Joseph Hernandez

You would think that as a child of the Philippines, genetically predisposed to withstand the rigors of equatorial climates (its heat and humidity) that I would have evolved cooperative sweat glands at some point.

Nope. Not in the least bit lucky on that count: I’m a sweaty grease pig. And shut up, naysayers of the electric comforts of air-conditioning: I understand it wastes energy but holy hells, I cannot live, breathe, survive in the womb that is summer in NYC without it. I melt from Point A to Point B (if Point B was a mere 10 yards); I DRIP. It’s not a cute look, nor is it comfortable.

You know what I want? A Bay Breeze. Yes, the wind AND the tipple. And I want it at Rockaway Beach, because it’s accessible. If I’m going to be greasy and sweaty, I also want the option of being instantaneously less so by my body’s proximity to water. Preferably the Atlantic. Preferably many degrees below “piss-warm,” Centigrade. Tip for the uninitiated: walk the 10 min from 116 St. to 128 or so. There are less people, more sand-real-estate and significantly less noise and generally more attractive. Quiet! Sky! Sand! Water! My Tina Fey book! Yep. The weekend can’t come soon enough.

Skip the Bay Breeze. I’m not 16. I want an Austrian Gruner Veltliner, specifically the Berger. This Gruner is a wine for any occasion, specifically with weekends such as this. Crisp and easy-going with balanced acidity, it is an easy-going wine that is makes any summer occasion. I’d have it with pork: Juicy, greasy pulled pork on a ciabatta with caramelized onions, provolone and a tangy BBQ sauce. Yep. Who is bringing it to me? You’ll get a hug (I give great hugs).

Yep. I think I just word vomitted my weekend plans. What’re yours?